The same song, the same volume, the same dull ceiling staring back at me. I got up, got dressed, went to work. The fluorescent lights hummed. The keyboard clicked. The same faces nodded at me, exchanging words that no longer hold meaning. Went home. Ate. Slept.
Then woke up again.
Nothing changed. Nothing shifted. Days blurred into each other, time looping around like a snake swallowing its own tail. I started questioning if I ever made a choice, or… if choices were ever mine to make. Til one night, when the air felt heavier, and the shadows stretched just a little too long. A voice, neither friend nor foe, spoke from the corner of my dimly lit room.
“You’ve noticed, haven’t you ?”
Am I… stuck ?
A loop. A cycle.
A maze with no walls.
A prison with no bars.
I had been here before, over and over again. The memories flooded back.
The walking.
The searching.
The endless wander.
A figure stepped forward, shrouded in something darker than the night itself. Not human, not quite a monster. A daemon ? A genie ? Whatever it was, it watched me with something between pity and amusement. Two choices, either breaks the cycle or stay here forever, convincing myself that tomorrow will be different.
But, you and I both know, tomorrow is just yesterday, dressed in a new lie.
The footprints on the floor that matched my own. I didn’t remember how I got here. Because I never left. The daemon smiled, and in its shifting form, I finally recognized the face.
Mine.
Go look in the mirror, what’s in it ?
Nothing, even a silhouette. What are we staring at ? A restrained robot, a hollow vessel, a soulless corpse, a fractured mannequin, or perhaps, you.
a bet.
I make a habit of writing, yet I don’t have plenty of drafts, not because I’m some kind of a disciplined person, but much like how I only find solace in befriending words when the daily mayhem randomly kicks in, which, doesn’t usually happen.
I get easy to stuck in the loop of thought of uneccessary stuffs. I had a Korean colleague, the name – Jaemin. He’s young, seems like a hectic person. One time, I was aksed to do some straightforward coding stuff, but rather go straight to the implementation, I chose to find out what the heck these functions specifically do, which, apparently wasted so much of time. Jaemin was a little upset, told me that we were not in a university, there’s no time for the dissect things. It’s like when someone tell you to find a way to drive a truck, instead of reading the driver handbook, you tried to comprehend the principle of the combustion engine.
The toilet in my office. Month after month, within four walls smaller than three square meters, every morning, I rooted there for nearly an hour, eating my sandwich, leaning my head against the wall and couldn’t cry my eyes out. But I wasn’t at home, I had work to do, I had to get a grip on myself. Jaemin was right, this isn’t a university, nor a kindergarten so I can shed my tears.
(don’t know what to put in this part yet)
What’s the catch here ?
People.
When the time comes, you will have to leave, every single one of them. Yes, I’m being selfish, and making a fuss, my words sound like I was the protagonist of some ridiculous unscripted movie. Live long enough and you will start to realize people’s vices. Words, beliefs, even their misconceptions that have lingered in your brain long enough, you’ve mistaken theirs for your own. Ever wonder how their words have chained you to this loop, for this whole time ?
You don’t need more time, you just need to decide. Yes, then do it. I will do it, thousands of time telling myself I wouldn’t not let this chance slip away, knowing that when I open this door, will be the shed of no return. Take it or leave it, there is not much time. My cognition was thousands of miles apart, my body was falling into the abyss, but I must pull myself from the chaotic frame of mind. Because I knew, even the slightest attempt, at any price, has to be made.
The next time you find yourself stuck in a loop, at all costs, find the spot. Like a glitched spot in an arcade game, when Vanellope drove in reverse then took a hidden underground route, observing every single one of the opponents, items, shortcuts, even deprecated characters. One step backward and the spot shall appear, either you are sober enough to seek for it, or remain chained to the delusional effort, til the concept of time rots away. People have themselves someone who keeps their mind from straying, even if that person is no longer with them. Others carry an inseparable thing in their bag, like Cobb’s totem. Mine ? A knitted amulet.
“I thought I could bring an end to the world’s suffering.
But when every equation was solved, all that remained, were fields of dreamless solitude.
There was no prize to perfection. Only an end to pursuit.
In all timelines, in all possibilities, only you…
can show me this.”
The footprints on the floor that matched your own. You didn’t remember how you got here.
Because you never left.
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